My First Adventure
I hope one day that I will have the chance to write a book of my mighty adventures in this great old world of ours, and that this will be the first dynamic and exciting chapter. That said, it doesn’t start very excitingly. I met a wizard (a student wizard called Sidney with the sweatiest palms you’ve ever seen) and some chap in total body armour in a pub – I’ve no idea how he drinks anything without taking the helmet off. We were in an unremarkable village called something silly that I can’t spell, and I had been engaged by the mayor to go on a merry jaunt into the mountains to close some (obviously fictional) hole to another world full of daemons. The usual superstitious nonsense. I decided to take Sidney and the Tin Man (my own nickname, and an apt one I feel) with me.
We found mountain, despite Sidney’s rubbish map reading, and I, having grown tired of holding it, handed lantern to the Tin Man. This was a mistake as it turned out because he then started to behave oddly, shouting he was the leader etc etc, I let him because it suited my purpose.
As we made our way through the dungeon we kept getting pestered by these (obviously fake) ‘monsters’ (honestly, that mayor who sent us up here must think I’m a simpleton!). Sidney looked terrified, but I just made the right noises and actions and pretended to slay a few, the Tin Man really got in on the act, a few times I even thought I saw him trying to bite some of them! Very OTT, will have to have a word next time.
Part the way round we met an odd chap, who claimed to be a Priest, can’t remember his name, wasn’t really listening at the time, but I let him tag along with my little party thinking he might be handy with a hammer, or at least good for bait. Very realistic snakes, cave-in and skeletons in the room we found him in, my estimates of the mayor improved.
By the time we had made it to the right room, and Sidney had waved his hands and proclaimed the ‘hole’, which turned out to be a trapdoor, I had had to pretend to have been nearly killed 5 times to avoid embarrassing the ‘monsters’. The minotaur was dashed convincing though, and obviously forgot his part, hitting harder than he should have! I lost consciousness a few times, and kept waking up to find Sidney looking down anxiously with his hands in places they shouldn’t have been. Will have to have a word, not very gentlemanly conduct.
Having done the deed and left the mountain we came across a horse and cart on the road, and I paid the driver to take me to the next village, leaving Sidney, the Tin Man and the bible-basher to walk – score one to the nobility! Arriving in the village, I spent my time waiting for the rest to catch up by getting involved in a couple of duels, both with the same chap called Ludicrus Sextus, which I allowed him to retain his honour by calling it a draw.
The rest of the week has been spent in a variety of hotels, none up to my own personal standard, while waiting for my companions to arrive and slake their thirst in the local drinking establishment. This dump of a village hasn’t even got a decent clothes shop which sells fashionable robes, if we don’t find somewhere bigger soon I’ll be the laughing stock of the next adventure. I’ve managed to secure shot, but no powder for my pistol, and plenty of provisions, mostly sausages. The seller was most odd, kept looking like he was about to burst out laughing, I’ve no idea what was so funny about a man buying sausages! They were a trifle expensive though, and I need to get them cooked, perhaps Sidney would oblige with his ‘fireball’ spell, it was almost convincing last time. I also learnt an interesting fighting trick from a local ruffian, but it involves pig fat so I might give it a miss, too messy and smelly.
My companions, since they finally arrived, have spent the week in the pub and lying around, with the Tin Man getting conned by firstly a circus (honestly, how can a village have a circus but no clothes shop!), then by a beggar, while that odd Priest chap also fell foul of the circus, and went for a steam bath. Personally I don’t hold with religion, but theres no reason to chance it so I donated some gold to the local church.
Oh, and I’ve adopted a dog and decided to call it FuFu.
Signed: Lord Tiberius Derek Ramses Flasheart, Mr. "