My First Adventure
"Dear diary,
I hope one day that I will have the chance to write a book
of my mighty adventures in this great old world of ours, and that this will be
the first dynamic and exciting chapter.
That said, it doesn’t start very excitingly. I met a wizard (a student wizard called
Sidney with the sweatiest palms you’ve ever seen) and some chap in total body armour
in a pub – I’ve no idea how he drinks anything without taking the helmet
off. We were in an unremarkable village
called something silly that I can’t spell, and I had been engaged by the mayor
to go on a merry jaunt into the mountains to close some (obviously fictional)
hole to another world full of daemons.
The usual superstitious nonsense.
I decided to take Sidney and the Tin Man (my own nickname, and an apt
one I feel) with me.
We found mountain, despite Sidney’s rubbish map reading, and
I, having grown tired of holding it, handed lantern to the Tin Man. This was a mistake as it turned out because
he then started to behave oddly, shouting he was the leader etc etc, I let him
because it suited my purpose.
As we made our way through the dungeon we kept getting
pestered by these (obviously fake) ‘monsters’ (honestly, that mayor who sent us
up here must think I’m a simpleton!).
Sidney looked terrified, but I just made the right noises and actions
and pretended to slay a few, the Tin Man really got in on the act, a few times
I even thought I saw him trying to bite some of them! Very OTT, will have to have a word next time.
Part the way round we met an odd chap, who claimed to be a Priest,
can’t remember his name, wasn’t really listening at the time, but I let him tag
along with my little party thinking he might be handy with a hammer, or at
least good for bait. Very realistic
snakes, cave-in and skeletons in the room we found him in, my estimates of the
mayor improved.
By the time we had made it to the right room, and Sidney had
waved his hands and proclaimed the ‘hole’, which turned out to be a trapdoor, I
had had to pretend to have been nearly killed 5 times to avoid embarrassing the
‘monsters’. The minotaur was dashed convincing
though, and obviously forgot his part, hitting harder than he should have! I lost consciousness a few times, and kept
waking up to find Sidney looking down anxiously with his hands in places they
shouldn’t have been. Will have to have a
word, not very gentlemanly conduct.
Having done the deed and left the mountain we came across a
horse and cart on the road, and I paid the driver to take me to the next
village, leaving Sidney, the Tin Man and the bible-basher to walk – score one
to the nobility! Arriving in the village,
I spent my time waiting for the rest to catch up by getting involved in a
couple of duels, both with the same chap called Ludicrus Sextus, which I
allowed him to retain his honour by calling it a draw.
The rest of the week has been spent in a variety of hotels,
none up to my own personal standard, while waiting for my companions to arrive
and slake their thirst in the local drinking establishment. This dump of a village hasn’t even got a
decent clothes shop which sells fashionable robes, if we don’t find somewhere
bigger soon I’ll be the laughing stock of the next adventure. I’ve managed to secure shot, but no powder
for my pistol, and plenty of provisions, mostly sausages. The seller was most odd, kept looking like he
was about to burst out laughing, I’ve no idea what was so funny about a man
buying sausages! They were a trifle
expensive though, and I need to get them cooked, perhaps Sidney would oblige
with his ‘fireball’ spell, it was almost convincing last time. I also learnt an interesting fighting trick
from a local ruffian, but it involves pig fat so I might give it a miss, too
messy and smelly.
My companions, since they finally arrived, have spent the
week in the pub and lying around, with the Tin Man getting conned by firstly a
circus (honestly, how can a village have a circus but no clothes shop!), then
by a beggar, while that odd Priest chap also fell foul of the circus, and went
for a steam bath. Personally I don’t
hold with religion, but theres no reason to chance it so I donated some gold to
the local church.
Oh, and I’ve adopted a dog and decided to call it FuFu.
Signed: Lord Tiberius Derek Ramses Flasheart, Mr. "
