Pike & Shotte

Following vicious prompting from Red I’ve got round to adding a few pictures from our first outing of the new Pike & Shotte rules set from Warlord games.  The game saw a line-up and fight attitude due to our wish to try out the new rules rather than get bogged down in an odd scenario.  Michael joined us, and his (mostly Swedish) troops deployed in the Dutch style (pike blocks with a shotte sleeve on each side) opposite Reds Royalists, who started in the Swedish style (pike blocks in the centre, with an outside covering of musketeers).

To put the battle simply Red advanced down the centre and left, Michael’s troops gave fire, then the arrival of my two regiments on their right flank, combined with some appalling dice rolling by the Swedes, saw them crumble inwards.  On the right the more aggressive Swedish horse went hell for leather, but got caught out due to a lack of space on the 6 by 4 table, and stuck in front of the Royalist guns.  A victory for the Royalists, but really just a chance to try out the rules before serious use on Tuesday.

Initial setup; Swedes to the left, Royalists to the right, my troops not in sight under the table.

The Swedish style.

The Dutch style.

The main battlelines near meeting, horse and dragoons fighting it out at the bottom.

Sir Hugh of Beeston’s (me) regiments arrive, taking the Swedes in the flank.

Swedish pike blocks start to disappear under the relentless pressure of Michaels shocking dice.

A final colourful push of pike on the Swedish right.

Flames of War Battle Report - Total Victory Scenario - Late War

A quick few pictures of a Flames of War game setup by Phil Tonkinson at the Stanney Community Centre; Ellesmere Port.  With 7,000pts a side the Germans consisted of Phil’s panzers on the left flank, John Wallis’ grenadiers in the centre, and my panzergrenadiers held the right.  For the Allies my adversary from the Ardennes game a few weeks ago; Alex, faced me with his British Para’s (Colonel John Frost and all) on the Allied left, the immortal Dennis and a combination of American armour and infantry took their centre, while the British armour and infantry of David Astbury took the Allied right, facing the panzers.

The scenario was the Total Victory scenario, setup took around an hour total, and we settled on 30 minute turns.  Myself and Dennis deployed the 6 objectives, and the Germans won the roll off for deploying and going first.

The initial deployment; Phil’s panzer company (or actually schwere panzer company – Tigers with some wirlbwind AA guns and Johns Brumbarrs), in the foreground along with the lead elements of Davids British. 

At the other end Alex’s British (very much the silver element in the bottom right) were supported by some of Dennis’ Yanks against my panzergrenadiers.

Early aggressive manoeuvring by the German left flank; the Brumbarrs driving through (over?) buildings to get at the objective, while the Tigers survive Davids attempt to slow them down through typhoon strafing, but Phils excellent AA is on form all game.

                                                                                      

Davids armour steps up to try where the typhoon failed, but comes off significantly worse.  The lack of space to manoeuvre playing into the Tigers hands/tracks.

On the German right my panzergrenadiers are just as swiftly off the mark, following the grand plan they leave one objective in the hands of the AA and some PaK40’s (out of shot), and head into the wooded area to claim the no-mans land one.  With the Tigers having given Dennis’ Shermans a bloody nose the Allies stick to their foxholes and hedgerows rather than counter attack as the German victory points lead mounts.

An offensive gambit by Dennis doesn’t pay off as the Tigers leave his tank destroyers burning, but the Germans are still wary, watching for any sign of a sting in the tail.

An all-out brawl is sparked on the right as I become swiftly bored sitting on an objective waiting for the end.  My infantry are met with a nasty crossfire from Alex’s British paras and the left side of Dennis’ dug in American infantry and AT guns.  With no tanks to face the Tigers are toothless, and the Brumbarrs also prove to be less than useful.  Some armoured car support at least has arrived.  

In the  following fight first the panzergrenadiers bounce off their enemies, then the British paras counter attacked and also bounced when Alex’s dice turned against him.  Defensive fire all round with no actual combat, and stalemate arrived for the rest of the battle.

The expected Dennis counter-stroke began to gather momentum, with M10’s (?) and recce troops joining the infantry massing for an attack on the heart of the German army; John’s grenadiers.

The combined force was able to wrestle an objective from the Germans for the first time in the game, driving John’s grenadier platoon back in the centre through the use of recce jeeps in the wooded area, and supported by infantry and tanks (out of shot to the right), although the Germans remained intact and within contesting range.

The last moments, and as Alex (tope left) prays (unsuccessfully) to his dice, and David contemplates his army list, Dennis drives home his attack in the centre.  Too little too late however, and with time getting on and no other significant attacks in progress the Allies call it a day.  Clear victory to the Germans, 12 points to 8.

The Romans - A Hail Caesar Project - Part 14

Do not adjust your sets……..

The last 33 models in my Roman army are sitting on a widow ledge in the kitchen with The Dip drying on them.  For the 24 models in the 1st cohort and the 6 in my 2nd unit of mounted auxiliaries they are one lot of flock and a matt spray from completion.  For the 3 figures that make up my general they will have to be glued to a big base, the base sanded and painted, then moved onto the flocking and matt spray stage.

It is almost complete……

Do not adjust your sets………

The Ardenne December 1944 - FOW Battle Report

Let it be noted that on this day; Sunday the 15^th April 2012, nine gamers did, with malice and forethought, gather at the HQ of the Deeside Defenders and fight out a Flames of War scenario loosely based on the Battle for Bastogne December 1944.  Here I will take up a story based mostly in fiction.

The scenario was a ‘fantasy’ version of the famous battle, with a panzergrenadier company holed up in Bastogne, cut off by American and British paratroopers and under siege from British and American armour.   In their own turn the paras were facing the might of the panzer armies, desperate to breakthrough and lend their weight to the armoured fight.  I’d allocated 6 turns (or 5pm, whichever came first), with 30 minute limits and 9 objectives were placed.  The side with the most objectives under control by the end would be the winner.  Simple.  Honest.

I arrived before 10am, to find an additional 2 gamers ready and willing to join the happy band, making our numbers up to the famed 9.  The initially set up of the boards and the days defending forces (the paras and the panzergrenadiers) took just over half an hour, then the wait for the bulk of the Panzer armies (Laurent) took more like 45 minutes.  The players (a goodly mix of RGMB and Deeside Defenders members) were as follows:

Allies:

Luke – US Paras

Alex – British Paras

Red – British Armour

James – American Armour

Rob – More British Armour

Germans:

Dave (Blue Team) – Panzergrenadier defenders of Bastogne

Laurent – Panzer Army

Phil – Panzer Army & Konigstiger CO

Rick (me, logically) – Panzer Army

The Initial Moves:

The Paras looked scared, and well they might, with an armada of German heavy tanks steaming down towards them.  And then suddenly it all became ok again as Laurent and Phil (commanding the left pincer of the German advance – the centre had been abandoned as not German enough, and too far to reach into) launched the first assault in turn 1.  Having forded the river, the two lead platoons; 4 Tigers and 4 Panthers drove into the village of Foy, and came off significantly worse against its US Para defenders, commanded by Luke.  8 burning tanks later and the Allied players were literally shrieking with laughter.  Literally.

This was to be a reoccurring theme of the first half of the battle, and as Phil and Laurent scrambled to bring the second wave (Panzer IV’s and StuGs) into play, I pushed my own Panzer IV’s, Panthers and Tigers across the river on the right flank, only to bounce off the British Para’s (Alex, aka Colonel Frost – how I cursed his name) dug in there.  I was 2 Tigers, 4 Panthers, 5 Panzer IV’s and an armoured infantry platoon down before any form of breakthrough was made.

In Bastogne itself Dave (the panzergrenadiers) looked to have tried something clever; coming out to meet Red’s British armour on the edge of the town with his halftracks and Panthers.  Unfortunately he may have forgotten the Americans and further British armour (James and Rob) arriving on the other side of the town.  Carnage and severe German depression ensued, with Dave forced to just react to the horde of vehicles coming his way for the rest of the battle.

The initial setup – the battlefield grew slightly from the plan, and ended up as a 12 foot long and 7.5 foot wide space.  The German armour can be seen in the foreground, just in front of the river, and the para’s behind it.  The buildings on the immediate left are the village of Foy, the farm is the red building to the right, and the built up area is Bastogne at the far end of the board.

The Germans on the offensive; my panzers in the foreground, while Laurent and Phil mount the ill-fated attack on Foy.

A moment of smugness for the Allies, and the US paras in particular.

Dave launches his attack out of Bastogne, looking to blunt the British armour.

It goes horribly wrong, and the panzergrenadiers are sent reeling.

Bad to worse for Dave as Robs British Shermans (sandy coloured) and James’ American armour (top corner) arrive, and catch the Panthers in a crossfire.

As things go from bad to worse the Germans consider taking drastic action against the allied command, from left to right; Dave, Phil, Red, James, Laurent and Rob.

The Breakthrough:

At the midway point we stopped for lunch, Red went to Tesco to find his car, and the Germans talked tactics and revenge.  Victory had been significantly beyond them since turn 2 due to the inability to break through the paras early enough.  However, the rest of Laurents Panzer platoons (which had been held off table in the hope of becoming a flanking force, but couldn’t because we couldn’t take the flank objective to let them on) were now on, and doubling as quickly as possibly to re-enforce the left pincer, with a big platoon of Tigers and one of armoured panzergrenadiers coming to assist me on the right.  We decided that we should plough on, with the aim of causing as much damage as possible, and identifying the likely targets to gain objectives – an unbelievably far-fetched plan to snatch victory was concocted.  Dave was understandably despondent; the Panzers had been unable to assist his hopeless fight so far.

Back underway and the pressure finally started to tell on the American paras, with the village of Foy falling to Panzer IV’s, and the first Konigstiger shots falling amongst James’ American armour in Bastogne itself – at this point Dave looked visibly happier.  On the right my Panzer IV’s and Panthers engaged Red’s Cromwells at long range – to more positive waves from Dave, while trying to get out of assault range of Alex’s British paras who were doing a nice line in sneak-up ambushes, one which had cost me substantial parts of my army so far.  Things in Bastogne looked generally bleak for Dave however, with Robs Shermans hitting his Panthers from the rear, and Reds Cromwells doing the same to the rest of his army from the front.

The German plan of bringing on their re-enforcements by capturing Foy have gone disastrously wrong, and they call on the remainder of the panzers – desperately doubling to arrive in time to make a difference.

Some good news as my panzers on the right start to break through, but the casualties are too high.

Better news on the left, with Foy overrun by Panzer IV’s, backed up by Phil’s babies; the two Konigstigers.

Bad times for Dave, with Reds British armour pressing in from one flank, Robs Shermans already in the centre of their position, and more of James Yanks arriving at every moment from the South.  One panther is left, and some scattered infantry in the buildings, but not much more.

Last stand time for many of Daves troops.

The Latter Stages:

On the left an almost lightening attack took place, with Laurent and Phil combining with Panzer IV’s, StuG’s and Konigstigers to start to cause some serious casualties on James’ US Armour, and reaching the edge of Bastogne.  Lukes US paras were now unable to delay them further, and themselves were under pressure from an armada of Laurents Panzer III’s, carrying German paras, leaving Foy firmly in German hands.  The sheer volume of James armour on the edge of Bastogne managed to slow up the Panzers advance, and they simply didn’t have the strength to push it further.

In the centre an effort by Laurents large armoured infantry platoon to deal a stunning blow to Alex’s indomitable British paras fell flat, and cost us the armoured infantry, although at least not before killing off Colonel Frost, who had frustrated me all battle.  Laurent handed me control of the large platoon of Tigers, which I then used to push Lukes paras off the central objective by the bridge over the first river.  With only one Tiger lost it was a major coup.

Over to the right and I was also too limited in strength to make inroads against the exceptionally large British armoured force Red had built up.  My second (last!) Panther platoon was causing damage to the Cromwell horde, and raising Dave’s morale significantly in the process!  My last few Panzer IV’s were also getting in on the act, shooting up some Stuarts, and engaging in odd shenanigans around the farm where I was contesting the objective there.  Red had a moment of excitement when he thought he saw a Konigstiger flank, but his challenger missed the shot.

James’ armour, with Dave seemingly finished, turn Northwards, and, having secured two objectives, start to trade shots with Laurent and Phils now advancing Panzers.  Unfortunately that meant the two Konigstigers, and its didn’t go well.

On the German right flank my troops break into open ground and reach the farm, unfortunately Alex’s British Paras retain the strength to ambush the re-enforcing halftracks and they are lost.  

The high point of my advance, gaining the grounds of the farm and starting to cause serious damage to Reds armour on the edge of Bastogne.  Sadly the Brits retain the numbers to contest the farm objective, and I lack the numbers to do anything about it.

The high point of Phil and Laurents advance on the left; the Konigstigers reaching the edge of Bastogne. 

In the centre an assault with heavy tanks finally bears fruit; one Tiger lost when 6 ganged up on a very large US Para platoon, and pushed it back, claiming the objective and control over the central bridge after a 6 turn stalemate.

The fate of some of the last of Daves troops; outnumbered, outgunned and outflanked.

It may look like a German disaster, but the building to the right actually holds the very last of Daves army; a platoon of pioneers performing a miracle in holding an objective in the very centre of Bastogne.

End Game:

Suddenly it was over.  The 30 minute turn limit had been nicely kept too and turn 6 was reached at around 4pm.  The Allies, counting objectives and with the result in the bag didn’t press their advantage in the last turn, and it ended with the Allied troops holding 5 objectives to the Germans 3.  Dave, with the few troops he had left, had pulled off a miracle; holding an objective in the centre of an allied-dominated Bastogne, while Laurent and Phil held the village of Foy on our left, and Laurents Tigers held the bridge over the first river.  I contested the farm, but the rest of Bastogne and the bridges belonged to the Allies.

Analysis:

The scenario was always likely to be unbalanced, although I had given it plenty of thought and worked out the distances etc.  The alternative had been to go for a simple total war scenario, but a few people had voiced the preference of a character scenario, even if it was uneven. 

The first couple of turns looked as if it really had gone against a German Panzer army unable to break through the first line of the Para’s, and really highlighted their inflexibility.  Meanwhile Daves panzergrenadiers would have been better off with the main army, and an infantry-based force used to hole-up in the buildings of Bastogne.  I had real concerns it wouldn’t provide entertainment for the players, and the panzers vs paras contest was one sided despite the 2-to-1 difference in points. 

However, once the Germans got going and started getting past the Para’s and attack the Allied armour the battle started to come alive with much more interaction and fighting between the different armies.  Without the paras the German armour would have mashed the Allies, especially with the points advantage, but with the paras it was almost, sort of, balanced. 

Thanks to all the players for showing up, throwing themselves into the spirit, and putting up with my own creation of a scenario.  It was pleasing to note the lack of a nasty competitive nature which made the necessary in-game alterations to the scenario easy to make.  Particular credit to the Germans; Dave, Laurent and Phil, who kept going despite some awful setbacks in the first couple of turns.   its was good to get across to Deeside and get a mix of players from both clubs playing, hopefully do it again soon.

The last shot as the players begin the troublesome task of packing away their models, something the Germans at least have the upper hand on due to most of theirs already being dead….The same suspects manage to make an appearance, Alex, myself and Luke skilfully avoiding all known cameras. 

The Romans – A Hail Caesar Project – Part 13

Lucky part 13, written on Friday the 13^th, although having my birthday on the 13^th of the month generally means I worry little over that.  This ‘should’ be the second to last report on the creation of my Roman army, with the project nearing completion.  Little (no) work had been done on them since their first appearance on the tabletop (22^nd March-ish), but this week I’ve suddenly been overcome with enthusiasm to finish them.  This could be partially to do with the upcoming release of the Pike & Shotte rulebook meaning a need to paint more Royalists could be soon in coming, and the Romans are in the way!

I have finished the painting stage on the 1^st Cohort of legionaries, the fifth cohort in the army, and an oversized one at 24 models rather than the 16 normally.  They have gone into the carry case to wait for the remaining models I’m working on to finish the painting stage and move onto dipping, flocking and spraying – better done en-masse because of the time taken to setup the process, and to limit the excess lost.

Next up, and last, on the painting table is the second unit of auxiliary cavalry (all 6 models of it) and my army general.  The general is actually three models; the man himself on a horse, an auxiliary horseman and his dog, all on a nice big GW monster base.  So far progress is good, with most of the main colours applied to the auxiliaries, although the general might take longer and I’ve no ideas how to paint the dog so far.

Work In Progress........

Haven't done a work in progress post in a while, and have been working on a couple of bits in the last week so thought I'd throw something up (not literally). I've actually spent more time gaming than modelling, with a couple of trips to the Deeside Defenders on a Thursday evening (playing FOW and then Bloodbowl) for the first time, and a couple of weeks of Warhammer Quest at the RGMB.

In modelling terms I have done some work on scenery ready for a big Flames of War game on the 15^th, painting up two bridges, creating a card river, and painting/mending a hill, 20 trees and four tree/forest area boards. I've even finally managed to finish the farm (ex-airfix Napoleonic model, but assembled in a different way due to a couple of missing parts), something which has been awaiting work for around 3 years.

On the miniatures front I have revamped my Skaven team for the Deeside Bloodbowl tournament, which mainly consisted of repainting the gutter runners cloaks red, touching up chips, and respraying with a matt varnish to replace the shiny effect given by the previously used (and 4 year old) polish varnished finish. I've also started to work on the 1^st Roman Cohort again, whether I will finally get those finished waits to be seen.

I’ve stuck in a couple of pictures below, with a couple of Old Glory 15mm half tracks and figures, and some 28mm Romans to give an idea of scale.

 

Average Joes 2012 - The Rats Rise Again - Part 1

The Rats Rise Again

It is less than a year since their head coach; Lord Flasheart (Lord Tiberius Derek Archibald Weasel Flasheart to his friends), declared that Skaven side ‘Average Joes’ might have played their last game, but despite that the rats are back.  Abandoning their usual haunt of the RGMB Championship (with currently no 2012 tournament planned), they have been entered into the Deeside Defenders Bloodbowl Championship in the neighbouring province of, um, Deeside.

The Deeside Defenders Bloodbowl Championship

The draw was made last night for the tournaments three groups, with ‘Joes name being draw for the anointed ‘group of death’.  They join ferocious halfing side; The Deeside Ankle Biters (coached by Paddy; a name with a big reputation in Deeside Bloodbowl circles) and the bearded norse warriors of Dave Winter.  Further details of the other two teams will follow in due course.

With 15 teams competing, each of the three groups has 5 sides, who will play their opponents once.  The top two from each group will go on to the semi-finals, with the two best placed third teams also proceeding.  The lower finishing teams in the group stage will go on to play in the semi-finals and final of a runner up competition.  Each side plays a maximum of one match a month, predetermined, the first round and groups being posted below:

Group 1		Group   2		Group 3
Dafydd		Little Si		Grant
Dave W		William		Paddy
DaveMc		Phil		Pete D
Average Joes		James		Ian
Deeside Ankle Biters		Ian S		Dave A
Games
To be completed by 2nd meeting in:				May
Group 1
Dafydd v Paddy1/2			Dave W v Average Joes
Group 2
Little Si v Ian S			William B v James
Group 3
Grant v Dave A			Paddy v Ian

Average Joes 2012: The Team

The Average Joes side of 2012 has few surprises, with the only big decision being made by Lord Flasheart being to leave his tame Rat Ogre at home, in exchange for more reserves and a better re-roll option.  He is joined on the bench by Ratty McFearson, an assistant manager of dubious quality, but a nice line in bell ringing, and a cheerleader who nobody in the camp wishes to talk about.  The regulations of the Deeside league call for entering teams to be worth 1,000,000 gold – where Flasheart has found this from after his year spent gambling and hitting barbarians over the head with pistols we have no idea.  There is a side benefit of an additional 3 linerats (linesmen) being allowed an extra general skill at the beginning.

Storm Vermin ‘La Fleur’         Block               90,000g

Storm Vermin ‘ Tank’             Block               90,000g

Throwing Rat  ‘Murdock’        Pass, Sure Hands       70,000g

Gutter Runner             ‘Cotton McKnight’       Dodge             80,000g

Gutter Runner             ‘Pepper Brooks’          Dodge             80,000g

Gutter Runner             ‘The Rat’                      Dodge             80,000g

Line Rat                       ‘Dodge’                        Block               50,000g

Line Rat                       ‘Dive’               Block               50,000g

Line Rat                       ‘Duck’              Block               50,000g

Line Rat                       ‘Dip’                 No Skill            50,000g

Line Rat                       Justin               No Skill            50,000g

Line Rat                       Dwight             No Skill            50,000g

Thrower                       The Lone Rat              Pass, Sure Hands       70,000g

Fan Factor = 2 x 60,000 = 120,000g

Cheerleader = 1 x 10,000

Assistant Coach = 1 x 10,000

The ‘Joes first game will be against the fearsome Norse, one of two Norseman teams in this years competition, lead by veteran head coach Dave Winters.  It will only be the second time the skaven side have faced Norse opposition, and long-suffering fans will remember with fondness the 3-1 defeat inflicted  on the bearded ones on that occasion.  This time round is likely to be a different story entirely, and may well set out how this year’s campaign will continue.  Stay tuned for more news.

Pre-Season Friendly:

To shake the cobwebs out of the rats fur a friendly was organised against a High Elf side coached by David Astbury.  The skaven ran out easy 4-0 winners against a elf side in a transition period, short of practice itself and trying to settle on a starting line-up.  Two touchdowns in each half with no casualties suffered by either side, with gutter runner Pepper Brooks claiming two, The Rat one, and finally thrower Murdock the last at the end of the second half.  An amicable start to the campaign.

The 2012 Average Joes team after a quick painting touch-up and varnish respray.  The gutter runners now resplendent in red cloaks.

A few reserves hoping to get their chance nearer the end.

The 2011 Average Joe's Fanzine & Season Report

A series of reports charting the fortunes of the Average Joes side in the 2011 RGMB Bloodbowl Trophy.

Week 1

Welcome to this seasons first Average Joes fanzine newsletter, the only place to get your weekly fix of ‘Joes action! Produced by the ‘Joes fan group; The Many And Illegitimate Son’s Of Flash, the Joe-O-Scope aims to bring you the best from the world of RGMB Bloodbowl while remaining totally unbiased and supporting ‘Joes all the way.

This week; ‘Joes First Game - Full Report.
A roundup from the other games of match day 3.
A new additional to the coaching staff.
And team reports ahead of next week.


Average Joes Vs. The Finger Lickers (FT 1-1)

Due to some issues over sponsorship (lack of) it has taken until match day three of this years Bloodbowl Trophy for ‘Joes to become involved, and where better to start than against their old adversary; Al Hardy, and his new team the Chicken Lickers. Having decimated them in a pre-season friendly the 11,000 ’Joes fans that packed the bleachers were hopeful of more of the same, the 9,000 ’Lickers fans struggled to make themselves heard over chants of ’Where’s the Colonel’, and ’I feel like chicken tonight’.

‘Joes captain; Stormvermin Peter La Fleur, won the toss, and elected to kick to the Chaos opposition. There followed an unsavoury period of play which lasted most of the first half, with clearly illegal blocking and blitzing manoeuvres being used by the chickens, and the referee ignoring the loud pleas from the crowd. Finally, after both sides had pushed a member of the opposition into the crowd, the ‘Lickers scored (making heavy weather of it), right at the end of the half, leaving legendary ‘Joes thrower; Murdock, to pick up a sole bonus for his team in the form of a pass competition.

In the second half the chickens kicked to our rats, and they promptly seized upon the ball, and pushed a hole down the right side of the pitch, looking to roll a cage through and break out with gutter runners. The best efforts of the chickens nearly saw the ball lost in a massed shoving match, until Murdock broke free, and scooping up the bladder, launched it downfield into the grateful arms of gutter runner Cotton McKnight who strolled in for the equaliser with a quarter of the game remaining.

After that it looked bleak for our furry heroes however, with a number injured due to the nasty, cheating blocking tactics by the chickens (who clearing hadn‘t heard of none-contact sports), they were down to 10 for the final drive, and soon that was reduced even further. The chickens looked certain to score, but at the last moment went for a party piece throw, which was fumbled by a Chaos Warrior big chicken! La Fleur swept in and scrambled the ball away, however, even with Pepper Brooks also trying to get a cover on it the chickens still looked odds on to score, but an opportune slip by a chaos player left the ball on the floor, and the Finger Lickers had let two points slip away. Final score = 1-1.


Match Day 3:
Two games were played on match day three of the blood bowl trophy, and with Average Joes fighting their way to a well deserved point against the Finger Lickers, it was left to the Orcs to try and stretch their lead at the top against the 'Averland Cannon Ballers'. Initially it looked like they would do so in style, although the humans managed to stem the tide, and as this reporter left to beat the crowds (with a stick) it was still 1-0 to the Orcs, although with no opportunity for a Cannon Ballers’ come back.

New Addition to the Coaching Staff
With the funds gained from their heroic efforts against the Linger Fickers ‘Joes head coach; Lord Flashheart (saintsandallalsortedgodsandgodnessesandsimoncowellpreservehim) has added an apothecary to his backroom staff. The new rat; Ratty of the River, has confirmed that he was delighted to get the offer, and that he believed it would provide an excellent distraction from boating near Toad Hall all the time. Questions of how he will cure the players injuries using just a set of bells and a stick were studiously ignored.

Team Report:
Several injuries were sustained in ‘Joes opening match, with two players set to miss match day 4. Linerat Dip is receiving treatment for a gouged eye, while gutter runner The Rat suffering from a groin strain, although we understand this may have been a play station related injury. This means ‘Joes will be fielding a weakened side of 11 players, with nobody on the bench.

Tune in next week for more ‘Joes action!

Week 2 

This week on the Joe-O-Scope:
Average Joes records first victory.
Controversy about Sportsmanship awards,
Roundup of other game on match day 4.
‘Joes Challenged!


Average Joes vs. The Golden Cannon Ballers

Average Joes head coach; Lord Flash, hesitated not in his quest to challenge the humans of the Golden Cannon Ballers to a game on match day 4. With only one game under his belt, and just the one point from that, the coach clearly felt an urgent need to try and launch his team up the standings. For their part the Cannon Ballers had managed one win in three, and were after some much needed points themselves.

In a good natured atmosphere, and in front of 26,000 fans (a 9,000/17,000 split in favour of the Cannon Baller’s) the two sides playing out a match full of movement and mistakes. Joes started on the defensive, but some early pressure saw their human opponents relinquish control of the ball; although not until their catcher had been subjected to three consecutive blocks and many ratty 2+ go-for-its had been failed! Some fancy manoeuvring (and a bit of line dancing) later and Joes gutter runner Cotton McKnight had engineered enough space for a sprint to the line and the first touchdown of the game. 

The second half saw the rats receive, and try to roll a cage through the centre of the Cannon Baller’s defence. This proved disastrous as the human blitzers broke it open, and with half the rats lying down on the job the Baller’s catcher was able to jog home for the equaliser, despite a desperate last ditch attempt by Joes thrower Murdock to block him out. At 1-1 Joes still had well over half of the second half to go to search for a winner, but an extremely well organised riot broke out in the ‘Baller‘s fans end, and by the time order had been restored only two turns remained; a challenge to be sure! Fortunately our vermin in blue didn’t let us down, creating a near perfect cage down their left, and with storm vermin La Fleur ‘distracting’ the human blitzer with its fist, tail and shoulder Cotton was left free to waltz in a second just moments before the final whistle. 2-1 it finished, and Average Joes have their first victory of the season.


Match Fixing Scandal
FIFA President Sepp Blatter has called for an inquest into the Average Joes Vs. The Golden Cannon Baller’s match, claiming match fixing on the basis that the Joes coach was offering words of advice to his opposite number that were actually helpful! We are unsure where either Mr Blatter, or Lord Flash are looking to go with this, or why the head of FIFA has mysteriously popped up the Old World. More on this story will not be forth coming.

Match Day 4 Roundup:
Once again two games were played on match day 4, with Average Joes victory over the Golden Cannon Baller’s well documented above. The other match saw a 2-0 victory for the Finger Lickers over the dark elf team; Khaines Killers (how they have fallen from grace with their new coach; Fury). This was a match noted for the number of elves harmed in the making of - mostly due to being pushed into the crowd, 6 suffered this fate at the last count! There was also a genuine comedy moment when the dark elf apothecary attempted to practice his art upon one of the team, and turned his broken leg into a broken neck. We are pleased to report that the leg is mending nicely.

Average Joes Challenged!
The day we have feared is upon us - the head coach of the juggernought Orc side that is leading the table has thrown down the glove to Lord Flash and his ratties! Unfortunately ‘Joes have reacted like rabbits in the headlights and didn‘t manage to find a suitable replacement, their best chance appears to be if they are running scared - they might stand a chance of getting away. The Orcs have an unassailable lead at the summit of the table, and are runaway favourites for this years championship. The game is scheduled to be played on match day 5.

Match Day 5 Postponed
Due to the wizards magic tournament in Altdorf next Tuesday match day 5 has been put back a week, and will now be in two weeks time.

Week 3 

This week on the Joe-O-Scope:
Average Joes seal a stunning victory.
The Semi-final draw is announced.
Match Day 6 pre-view.

Average Joes Snatch Unlikely Victory

Average Joes took on the highly rated Orc team; The Drakwald Bruisers, in a match watched by an evenly balanced 30,000 fans. The ‘Bruisers are favourites to lift this years Bloodbowl trophy, and few were betting on the rats walking away with anything, or indeed walking away at all! Prior to kick-off rumour circulated of Coach Flashhearts desperate efforts to find “someone stupid enough” to step into ‘Joes shoes, and debating the merits of forfeiting the game. In his post-match interview the coach confirmed that his initial plan to just not show up went wrong when the team chariot took a wrong turn and ended up at the stadium anyway.

On to the game itself, and the Orc Coach chose to hire a goblin to boost his team numbers, something viewed by Coach Flash with suspicion. The 13 players of Average Joes won the toss, and elected to kick to the Drakwald Bruisers. There followed a sustained period of stalling ratty tactics, and smacking Orcy tactics which would last the entire first half. This was only broken up by a crowd-pleasing moment of pinball when a gutter runner landed a punch and the ball went loose. Added to the Orc throwers seeming inability to pick up the ball regardless of location and pressure and things were interesting for the 15,000 ratty fans. However, the numbers game prevailed (‘Joes having four in the knockout box by the end), and the Orc blitzers and Black Orcs made a gap for the thrower to run in for 1-0 in the dying seconds of the first half - an extremely well timed touchdown following some excellent caging tactics.

The second half saw ’Joes return to the pitch with just about 11 players; one storm vermin (Tank) having been seriously injured in the first half, and the other linerat preferring the company of the bloodwiser ’babe’ to returning to the pitch. The rats were receiving, and looked to make a breakthrough down the right. With team captain; storm vermin La Fleur, having made the gap, The Rat headed into the outfield, followed at a more sedate pace by Cotton McKnight. An accurate throw from Murdock later and Cotton had the ball in the ‘Bruisers half and was looking for the space. The hole having been made he dashed through, and after some unsportsmanlike time-wasting behaviour (and another moment to forget for the Orc thrower when he tripped over his shoelace) he stepped over the line to make it 1-1. The Orcs having just over half of the second half to restore their lead.

The Drakwald coach made a controversial substitution at this point; removing an Orc linesman and sending on The Goblin. Common sense went out the window for the rats as they tried to block the diminutive greenskin off the field - bad memories coming through clearly! The Orcs reverted to their cage-and-hit tactics, but the skaven pulled back each time and slowly gave ground, stalling and looking for what would be an excellent draw. The Orcs became inpatient, and took a risk; The Goblin shook off his marker, and the Orc thrower launched a perfect ball and turned away to celebrate the win…….only for linerat Dive to pluck it out of midair and deny the Orcs the two points! And things would get worse, as Dive laid it off to The Rat, who raced up the pitch and picked out gutter runner Pepper Brooks with a short pass, Pepper shrugged off the attentions of a marking blitzer to make the catch, the dodge, and the score 2-1 to the rats in the dying seconds! From one end zone to the other in a turn; Coach Flash was, needless to say, rather pleased with this result!

Semi-Final Draw Announced

Following Match Day 5, and the general apathy of the SMALLER teams in the competition the organiser and sponsors have taken the decision to run with the big four at the top of the league table, and on Match Day 6 we move into the Semi-Final stage!


Position Team Points
1]. Drakwald Bruisers (Orcs) 11
2]. The Finger Lickers (Chaos) 6
3]. Average Joes (Skaven) 5
4]. Golden Cannon Ballers (Human) 3

First will play fourth, with second taking on third for a place in this years final. Leaving the following match-ups:

Drakwald Bruisers Vs. The Golden Cannon Ballers 
The Finger Lickers Vs. Average Joes 

Match Day 6 Preview

Average Joes first game in a knockout competition for three years will be against a bitter rival, with The Finger Lickers being coached by Al Hardy. They have already met once this season, with ‘Joes lucky to escape with a 1-1 draw on match day 3, they will have to be better against a team that have just the 11 players available to ‘Joes 13, but has the punching ability to make life uncomfortable for the skaven. Joes only injury concern is thrower Murdock, who in a eerie replay of their last knockout match up is unavailable for the big match once again. He has been replaced by an unnamed substitute thrower who maintains the teams 13-player numbers, and will hope its not an omen.

Elsewhere the humans of the Golden Cannon Ballers will be hoping their chariot has more sense than ‘Joes choice of transport, or that the Drakwald Bruisers have a sensational off day.

Week 4 

This week on the Joe-O-Scope:
Average Joes seal a stunning victory.
The Semi-final draw is announced.
Match Day 6 pre-view.

Average Joes Snatch Unlikely Victory

Average Joes took on the highly rated Orc team; The Drakwald Bruisers, in a match watched by an evenly balanced 30,000 fans. The ‘Bruisers are favourites to lift this years Bloodbowl trophy, and few were betting on the rats walking away with anything, or indeed walking away at all! Prior to kick-off rumour circulated of Coach Flashhearts desperate efforts to find “someone stupid enough” to step into ‘Joes shoes, and debating the merits of forfeiting the game. In his post-match interview the coach confirmed that his initial plan to just not show up went wrong when the team chariot took a wrong turn and ended up at the stadium anyway.

On to the game itself, and the Orc Coach chose to hire a goblin to boost his team numbers, something viewed by Coach Flash with suspicion. The 13 players of Average Joes won the toss, and elected to kick to the Drakwald Bruisers. There followed a sustained period of stalling ratty tactics, and smacking Orcy tactics which would last the entire first half. This was only broken up by a crowd-pleasing moment of pinball when a gutter runner landed a punch and the ball went loose. Added to the Orc throwers seeming inability to pick up the ball regardless of location and pressure and things were interesting for the 15,000 ratty fans. However, the numbers game prevailed (‘Joes having four in the knockout box by the end), and the Orc blitzers and Black Orcs made a gap for the thrower to run in for 1-0 in the dying seconds of the first half - an extremely well timed touchdown following some excellent caging tactics.

The second half saw ’Joes return to the pitch with just about 11 players; one storm vermin (Tank) having been seriously injured in the first half, and the other linerat preferring the company of the bloodwiser ’babe’ to returning to the pitch. The rats were receiving, and looked to make a breakthrough down the right. With team captain; storm vermin La Fleur, having made the gap, The Rat headed into the outfield, followed at a more sedate pace by Cotton McKnight. An accurate throw from Murdock later and Cotton had the ball in the ‘Bruisers half and was looking for the space. The hole having been made he dashed through, and after some unsportsmanlike time-wasting behaviour (and another moment to forget for the Orc thrower when he tripped over his shoelace) he stepped over the line to make it 1-1. The Orcs having just over half of the second half to restore their lead.

The Drakwald coach made a controversial substitution at this point; removing an Orc linesman and sending on The Goblin. Common sense went out the window for the rats as they tried to block the diminutive greenskin off the field - bad memories coming through clearly! The Orcs reverted to their cage-and-hit tactics, but the skaven pulled back each time and slowly gave ground, stalling and looking for what would be an excellent draw. The Orcs became inpatient, and took a risk; The Goblin shook off his marker, and the Orc thrower launched a perfect ball and turned away to celebrate the win…….only for linerat Dive to pluck it out of midair and deny the Orcs the two points! And things would get worse, as Dive laid it off to The Rat, who raced up the pitch and picked out gutter runner Pepper Brooks with a short pass, Pepper shrugged off the attentions of a marking blitzer to make the catch, the dodge, and the score 2-1 to the rats in the dying seconds! From one end zone to the other in a turn; Coach Flash was, needless to say, rather pleased with this result!

Semi-Final Draw Announced

Following Match Day 5, and the general apathy of the SMALLER teams in the competition the organiser and sponsors have taken the decision to run with the big four at the top of the league table, and on Match Day 6 we move into the Semi-Final stage!


Position Team Points
1]. Drakwald Bruisers (Orcs) 11
2]. The Finger Lickers (Chaos) 6
3]. Average Joes (Skaven) 5
4]. Golden Cannon Ballers (Human) 3


First will play fourth, with second taking on third for a place in this years final. Leaving the following match-ups:

Drakwald Bruisers Vs. The Golden Cannon Ballers 
The Finger Lickers Vs. Average Joes 

Match Day 6 Preview

Average Joes first game in a knockout competition for three years will be against a bitter rival, with The Finger Lickers being coached by Al Hardy. They have already met once this season, with ‘Joes lucky to escape with a 1-1 draw on match day 3, they will have to be better against a team that have just the 11 players available to ‘Joes 13, but has the punching ability to make life uncomfortable for the skaven. Joes only injury concern is thrower Murdock, who in a eerie replay of their last knockout match up is unavailable for the big match once again. He has been replaced by an unnamed substitute thrower who maintains the teams 13-player numbers, and will hope its not an omen.

Elsewhere the humans of the Golden Cannon Ballers will be hoping their chariot has more sense than ‘Joes choice of transport, or that the Drakwald Bruisers have a sensational off day.

Week 5 

This week on the Joe-O-Scope:
Average Joes vs. Finger Lickers semi-final match report.
Drakwald Bruisers Vs. The Golden Cannon Ballers report.
Interview with the coach.
Cup Final Pre-view.



‘Joes Feed Lickers To The Birds

Average Joes booked their place in their 3rd consecutive RGMB Bloodbowl Final with a stunning victory over bitter rivals the Finger Lickers. Pre-match talk had centred around ‘Joes poor record in knockout competitions against ‘Lickers head coach Al Hardy’s teams, and included a lively discussion about the choice of chicken pies as the half time snack. The Finger Lickers fans voted with their absence about the entertainment value of their team; 10,000 turning up and being mostly out-sung by the 14,000 ratty fans.

‘Joes won the toss, and elected to kick to the Chaos team, who started extremely sluggishly. A clearly pre-planned kicking strategy enabled ‘Joes to blitz their way through the opposition offence, with storm vermin Tank opening the way for Cotton to race through and score with the game only minutes old! There was barely time to blink when the same move worked for a second consecutive time. Skaven captain La Fleur provided the muscle this time, and Cotton capitalising for his second touchdown of the game, and his sixth of the campaign. The Finger Lickers appeared shell-shocked, and little wonder, virtually every move they tried broke down in disarray. And it was one such effort that saw Patchy, the ‘Joes substitute thrower, break free after some shoving had robbed the Chaos chickens of the ball, and run in number three just before the end of the half.

Deep gloom had settled on the Chaos bench as they realised they would have to kick to the rats in the second half, and not even the offer of a half-time hug in a toilet from a well-wisher could raise their head coach from his pessimistic thoughts. And they had good reason to worry, because no sooner had the second half began but Patchy broke free from a rolling skaven cage on the left to launch a short pass up the centre, and gutter runner Pepper Brooks pulled it out of the air to score his second touchdown of the season. The ‘Lickers were in disarray and leaderless, and, when two of the chaos chickens ran into each other, the gutter runner The Rat was on hand to steal away the ball for Average Joes record fifth touchdown of the game.

Coach Al Hardy was not happy. And after spitting out feathers and grilling his team, he ordered them back out onto the field for the final drive, with the instruction to only come back after they had crippled the opposition! With some pride restored his side went about their work, and soon several knockouts and a couple of minor injuries reduced the numbers of skaven players enough to enable a chicken to slip through for a consolation touchdown. 

Final score was Average Joes 5, the Finger Lickers 1, with some ghosts of past playoffs definitely exercised! Next up the cup final!


Match Report: Drakwald Bruisers Vs. The Golden Cannon Ballers 

The un-fancied team from the human league took a shock first half lead, with the Drakwald Bruisers goblin at fault when the Orc side were supposed to be on the offensive. The Cannon Ballers fans took their celebrations a tad too far however, and a short riot later and the referee had wound the clock back, giving the Orcs the chance to equalise before the half was over - the goblin redeeming himself. The second half dropped back into a more predictable pattern, with the Orcs hitting, and the humans hurting, falling and stalling. It still took most of the second half for the winner too come, and it would be scored by an Orc player, sending his team to the final, 2-1 winners.


Interview Section

We sent out roving reporter Linda McDougal to get an interview with the victorious ‘Joes head coach; Lord Flash, and here’s what he had to say.

How do you feel after that amazing result?
“Absolutely over the moon! We tried to turn up today with a game plan, but I left it in the hotel so we just (chicken) winged it mainly.”

Were the excellent blitz’s that we say your side execute in the first half something you’ve worked on at the training ground?
“Not really sure what one of those is, we went to a pre-match barbecue if that’s what you mean?”

Not quite, what does this win mean for you and the team?
“Quite simply we’ve reached the top. Its champagne and roses from now on, the lads played a good game, it was a team effort, and the only way is down, blah, blah, blah.”

Surely you will be able to lift yourselves for the cup final next week?
“Well, yeah, sure we’ll turn up, probably, may as well.”

What about the future, will we see Average Joes under your leadership again next year?
“Perhaps, perhaps not, if we win next week then maybe we’ve reached the top and its time to step aside. Or maybe we’ll just spend the winnings on some better kit and keep going!”

Thank you Lord Flash.



Cup Final Preview

Despite Average Joes victory last week against the Orc side, the Drakwald Bruisers will still enter this game as the bookes favourites. The skaven will be heavily reliant upon their gutter runner trident of Cotton, Pepper and The Rat, while hoping storm vermin Tank and captain La Fleur can keep their bigger opponents at bay. For their part the ‘Bruisers will be desperately seeking revenge following their last minute defeat, and will be happy to go to any lengths to achieve it. Both sides go into the match with similar team ratings, and no injury worries.

Week 6

This week in the last 2011 Joe-O-Scope:
The Cup Final - result & report
Seasons awards
Signing Off for 2011


Drakwald Bruisers Victorious In Controversial Final

The day of the cup final brought steady drizzle, and complaints that if the match had been held in the south of Tilea instead we would all have been happier and drier. Average Joes were first to the stadium, and first onto the pitch - 15,000 ratty fans waving their tails in anticipation of the kick-off, which was scheduled for 7pm.

At 7.01pm, and with no sign of the Drakwald Bruisers, Lord Flash approached the referee, using such words and phrases as ‘late again’, ‘C’mon ref’ and ‘forfeit’.

At 7.09pm the Orcs and their 14,000 fans arrived, and, unfortunately for brave Lord Flash, appear to have never had the word ‘forfeit’ explained to them. The game began without further ado, the Bruisers on the offensive and Average Joes with the option of play or (and?) be flattened. In an echo of their semi-final victory ‘Joes were in fact quick off the mark, attempting an early blitz. However, unlike the chickens, the Orc blitzers and black orcs were more than up to the task and closed them out. The rest of the first half was full of ‘look away now’ moments for the skaven in the stadium, as their team hopelessly threw their bodies in the day of the Orc steamroller in desperate attempts to stop them scoring before the end of the half. This was not the team that ‘Joes had beaten 2-1 several weeks ago, but a much improved version that not even the gutter runners prowess could even the tables against.

By half time the breakthrough had come, the Bruisers were 1-0 up, and three ‘Joes players were seriously injured and out for the count - they would have to play the second half without both throwers (Patchy and Murdoch), or storm vermin Tank. Luckily 4 out of the 5 knocked out skaven returned to the pitch, but it was more of the same as they had to contend with not only the Orcs ploughing through them, but also their own luck being a reverse of the semi-final. The single bright spark came just after a long moment where it looked like the Orcs would regain possession and score a second. Gutter runner Cotton McKnight produced a moment of individual brilliance, stealing the ball from under the noses of three Orc players, and dancing around five more over the course of two turns before speeding in for a touchdown to make it 1-1. It had cost them another two players knocked out, and The Rat had joined the serious injuries roll-call.

The Orcs had three turns to score a winner, and Average Joes were on the ropes, with simply too few players to cover every angle. A distraction run by The Goblin helped open some space, which Cotton and Pepper struggled to shut down, before the Orc thrower found a blitzer with a short pass, and he was able to bring it down and run in for 2-1 with the last touch of the second half. In a very real sense he had spared Average Joes the pain of extra time with a time woefully out-muscled everywhere on the pitch.



2011 Average Joes Awards
Most Influential Player - Cotton McKnight (The gutter runner scored most of ‘Joes touchdowns, was chief tormentor of the chickens, and even dragged them back into a one-sided final).
Top Scorer - Cotton McKnight. (With seven touchdowns for the season he was not only the top scoring skaven, but also the top scorer for the competition).
Enforcer of the Season (caused most casualties) - N/A


And for the overall competition:
Overall Winners - The Drakwald Bruisers.
Top Scoring Team - Average Joes & Drakwald Bruisers both with 11 TD’s.
Top Scoring Player - Cotton McKnight with 7 TD’s for Average Joes.
Coach of the Season - Mr Crish (Drakwald Bruisers) for building an unstoppable machine.
Biggest Underachievers - Finger Lickers. (Humiliating semi-final exit at hands of biggest rivals)
Overachievers - Golden Cannon Ballers. (Recahing the semi-final and pushing the Bruisers to the end).
Biggest Hissy Fit (also known as the Diva Award) - Lord Flash (Average Joes) when the Bruisers failed to understand the term ‘forfeit’.
Sportsmanship Award - Head Coach of the Finger Lickers; Al Hardy, for playing on when all hope was lost in their semi-final.



What now for ‘Joes?
With that defeat Average Joes have now contested the last three consecutive RGMB Bloodbowl Cup Finals, and been on the losing end of each one, rarely looking like victory was coming their way. With the short life expectancy of the average rat is this the end of ‘Joes? Even if they continue will they ever have enough to beat the bully-boy power teams of the Bloodbowl world? Is the game too much about money? Will Lord Flash ever return from his self imposed exile to the beaches of Lustria? And will the aardvarks reach the summit of Mount Panama?

This is Roland Rat, signing off for another year, keep waving those tails rat-fans.